Famous Speech Friday: Susan Bro:"They tried to kill my child to shut her up"

On August 13, Susan Bro lost her child in an unimaginable fashion, after her daughter Heather Heyer was struck by a car as she participated in a counter-protest rally against white nationalists in Charlottesville, Virginia. Heyer's death was the coda for a weekend of anger and outrage that spilled over to the rest of the nation.

Eulogies are notoriously difficult for speakers, especially if they involve the death of a loved one. It is remarkable that Bro was up to the challenge just days after her daughter's shocking death, in the middle of a very public debate over violence and blame in Charlottesville. Her seven-minute speech for Heyer's memorial service was both a tender remembrance and a stunning call to action.

It also was a tribute to how outspoken Heyer herself was about her beliefs, and a sharp rebuke to those who tried to silence her. One of the most memorable lines from Bro's speech, which led to a standing ovation, was this: "They tried to kill my child to shut her up. Well, guess what? You just magnified her."

There's a lot to unpack and to admire in this simple speech. What can you learn from Bro's eulogy for Heyer?

• Think about what a personal story can do within a eulogy. It's not surprising to include personal details in a speech like this, but Bro also used her remembrance to create a theme for the eulogy. She talked about the dinner table debates launched by her daughter, and how they were sometimes so uncomfortable that they drove Heyer's father out to the car to seek peace in a video game. This story does a remarkable job of tying the personal aspects of Heyer's life to the larger political issues that dominated Charlottesville on the weekend that she was killed.
• Bring eloquence to a eulogy with plain speaking. Throughout the speech, Bro urges her listeners to continue Heyer's work for justice, telling the audience that "you need to find in your heart that small spark of accountability." Eulogies for famous people--as Heyer unfortunately became--often ask for action from their audiences, but the language here is particularly blunt and therefore striking. Some of my favorite admonitions from Bro include, "You poke that finger at yourself, like Heather would have done, and you make it happen." and of course the final line of the speech, "I'd rather have my child, but by golly if I got to give her up, we're going to make it count."
• Encourage women speakers--before they become women. It's both heartbreaking and inspiring to hear Bro share how much listening she did in the short time she had with her daughter, and how often she encouraged her to speak, by engaging in those dinner table discussions, hanging in there when the topics got tough or voices were raised. It sounds like such a simple thing to do, but the mere act of listening to girls when they speak, and allowing them to express their opinions, can create a woman who isn't afraid to raise her voice--and who can never be silenced.

The full video of Bro’s eulogy is here and below:



(Freelance writer Becky Ham contributed this Famous Speech Friday post.)

Get involved in more conversations on public speaking with The Eloquent Woman. Follow our Facebook page, read great quotes from eloquent woman on Pinterest, or follow me as @dontgetcaught on Twitter. Learn how to be a better panel moderator with The Eloquent Woman's Guide to Moderating Panels.

Want to boost conference attendance? Add women speakers

There's a little-observed phenomenon going on in conferences today: Many "mainstream" conferences in all industries feature few women speakers, and women speakers experience serious hurdles to get on their programs. But at the same time,  "women's conferences" pack their houses, make huge profits, see big attendance, get lots of sponsors, and generally thrive.

I know this because I watch when anyone mentions the paucity of women speakers at conferences on Twitter. The only exceptions are the women's conferences. And while I see the joy of the participants, I also see that these conferences are big business.

I get why women might well choose self-segregation--much as people of color did over a century ago when they were shut out of white conferences--in tweets like this one, suggesting that gender balance should be ignored:

Someone actually thought that "too many women speakers" was a reasonable criticism of #Microbio17! Wtf? https://t.co/oQ35eJOrvZ

— Peter Woolman (@ElucidatingLife) April 4, 2017

Despite that patriarchal view, and the well-worn trope that we don't want "just anyone" presenting, adding women speakers greatly impacts conferences...in a good way for the bottom line. Take this tweet as just one example:

Over 46% women attended when we added female speakers... Thank you @ericshupps #advocacy #womenintech @SPTechCon @WomeninSP pic.twitter.com/Q8zeEMag08

— Heather Newman (@heddanewman) April 3, 2017

Why might that be? As women know, when you scan a conference program and see few or no women speakers, you understand immediately that you'll be an anomaly, standing out in a bad way. You'll be the "other." And, as we've reported on the blog, a paucity of women speakers and attendees often leads the men-in-majority to make misogynistic decisions about conference entertainment, or even the presence of prostitutes. You'll find a recent example in Above the Law's post, Conference lacks women speakers, but makes up for it with showgirls. For more, read The prostitute factor: Why we're not serious about women at conferences, which focuses on some top conferences, like the World Economic Forum and a Microsoft conference. It's one of the most-read posts on thus blog.

Think about the reverse. Conferences where women feel not only safe, but included, and celebrated, are an easy "yes" for both participants and speakers. That might be a women's conference, but it need not be. Any conference can be one where women can see themselves participating at all levels...if it wishes. Build a smart code of conduct, offer fees and travel reimbursement to your speakers, and make it easier for women speakers to say "yes" when you call. After all, women do *not* just want to speak and participate in conferences for women.

I think "mainstream" conferences should get smart and take your cue from conferences like the Massachusetts Conference for Women, which can brag about a sold-out attendance of more than 10,000. If those 10,000 women attend all of the sessions at a total of $285, that's more than $2.8 million from just the registrations. That doesn't include fees for the 250 exhibitors, and dozens of sponsors. So advertisers and sponsors want to reach women, a demographic they can target specifically at these conferences. Hmm.

Just a reminder to conference organizers: The attendees missing from your meeting, and the profits missing from your wallet, may belong to the same group that's missing from your program. Above the Law blog put it this way: "[I]f you are an attendee, stop attending conferences that continue to perpetuate exclusion. Spend your $750 on a conference that’s doing more to embrace diversity and inclusion than simply putting pictures of women or POC on its website or on its PowerPoint presentation. Undoubtedly, your own client base will become more diverse with time, so why would you want to attend a conference that’s an echo chamber?"

Indeed. That's just what I did when a longtime conference I attended ignored my harrassment complaints, then required attendees to tick a box saying they would not sue the organization. My $750 plus spent on that meeting goes to much more satisfying uses these days.

McKinsey calculated that Canada alone could boost its gross domestic product by $150 billion by 2026 if gender equity were promoted across the board. I can't think of a better place to start than with women speakers at conferences that aren't targeted to women alone.

(Creative Commons licensed photo by UN Women)

Get involved in more conversations on public speaking with The Eloquent Woman. Follow our Facebook page, read great quotes from eloquent woman on Pinterest, or follow me as @dontgetcaught on Twitter. Learn how to be a better panel moderator with The Eloquent Woman's Guide to Moderating Panels.

The Eloquent Woman's weekly speaker toolkit

I read a lot about women and public speaking, and post my finds first on The Eloquent Woman on Facebook. But I always collect them here for you on Mondays as well. Here's what I've been reading lately:

• Bilingual advantage: Does being bilingual make your brain more robust? Find out here.
• Diversity wins: Another problem with manels: They lack intellectual rigor, this author says. A popular read on our Facebook page, and for those of you involved in programming and organizing for conferences, a more substantive argument against the manel.
• Did you miss? This week, the blog looked at how DUI school helped comedian Chelsea Handler get over her fear of public speaking, and Famous Speech Friday shared Taylor Swift's harassment testimony.
• About the quote: Create some possibilities with your speaking. Wisdom from Adrienne Rich.

Get involved in more conversations on public speaking with The Eloquent Woman. Follow our Facebook page, read great quotes from eloquent woman on Pinterest, or follow me as @dontgetcaught on Twitter. Learn how to be a better panel moderator with The Eloquent Woman's Guide to Moderating Panels.

Famous Speech Friday: Taylor Swift's harassment testimony

It was courtroom testimony by a harassed woman the likes of which is rarely seen, and that's really the pity here. But when singer-songwriter Taylor Swift took the stand in a Denver, Colorado, federal courtroom, her words resonated around the world. Why? Because she would not allow any blaming and shaming of herself as the victim...a boundary she set with forceful words. As the New York Times put it, "She’s sold millions of albums and heard stadiums full of fans chant her lyrics at sold-out concerts around the world. But the Taylor Swift line that might resonate the loudest now is 'He grabbed my bare ass'."

A radio host who posed with her in 2013 for a photograph had groped her. She accused him of doing so to his radio station, and he was fired. He sued Swift for loss of his job, and she countersued for assault and battery, asking damages of just one dollar to make her point. In August 2017, she was in the courtroom answering questions from the radio host's attorney. Here's a sampling of her responses, a primer in holding your own without shame:

• "I'm not going to let you or your client to make me feel like this is my fault, because it isn't."
• "I'm being blamed for the unfortunate events of his life that are a product of his decisions. Not mine."
• When asked why the hem of her skirt in the front was not pushed up, perhaps indicating there was no groping, she replied, "Because my ass is located on the back of my body."
• "He did not touch my ribs. He did not touch my arm. He did not touch my hand. He grabbed my bare ass."
• Asked what she could have done differently, she replied, "Your client could have taken a normal photo with me."

The responses, so unlike what we're used to hearing, were dubbed assertive, sharp, gutsy, and satisfying. And so was the result. The jury found that she had been groped and awarded her the requested damages of one dollar. In a statement, Swift showed that she understood precisely what was really at stake: The ability of women and girls to speak up and be heard when they are sexually assaulted or harassed: “I acknowledge the privilege that I benefit from in life, in society and in my ability to shoulder the enormous cost of defending myself in a trial like this. My hope is to help those whose voices should also be heard.”

What can you learn from this famous speech?

• Don't react, respond: Too often, when a woman brings an accusation of harassment, the lines of questioning are similar to those Swift faced: They're designed to make you uncomfortable, to doubt your standing or your memory, and to suggest subtly or not that you yourself may have been a cause of the action. Resist the urge to get angry or sad, or react in any way, and simply respond. Swift's almost clinical answers do the trick here, setting verbal boundaries again and again and again. This is exhausting, and worth practicing beforehand if you find yourself in such a circumstance, be it in the office or a courtroom. But if you can keep your emotion out of it, your responses will be stronger.
• Refute, refute, refute: Count all the "nots" in the above statements. Swift pairs every positive statement with a not-statement, to play up the contrast between what is alleged and what really happened, and she does it over and over and over to underscore the point. The more you repeat it the more solid your testimony becomes.
• Say it plain: One of the insidious factors in this type of questioning is the avoidance of direct words to describe the action. Not so with Swift. There are no euphemisms for ass here. The language is simple and clear, and thus cannot be construed in any way but one. There aren't any flowery adjectives and adverbs to hide what happened, just a simple, clear explanation.

Say it plain also applies to the moment when harassment occurs, although even Swift didn't do this (and was questioned about that in court, too). But if you can, jump away, yell "What do you think you're doing?" or "Stop grabbing my breast!" or whatever it is. Loudness helps. The perpetrators of physical sexual harassment count on you being too ashamed to say what is going on or to tell anyone. There's no more important public speaking you can do than to stand up for yourself and say what is happening, clearly and loudly, in such a situation. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

No video here, but the words carry the day today.

(Creative Commons licensed photo by Paolo Villanueva)

Get involved in more conversations on public speaking with The Eloquent Woman. Follow our Facebook page, read great quotes from eloquent woman on Pinterest, or follow me as @dontgetcaught on Twitter. Learn how to be a better panel moderator with The Eloquent Woman's Guide to Moderating Panels.

Chelsea Handler on how DUI school got her over her fear of public speaking

Comedian Chelsea Handler, creator and host of the show Chelsea on Netflix, was interviewed recently by David Axelrod on The Axe Files podcast. It's where the outspoken comic revealed how being arrested for driving under the influence (DUI) and having to go to DUI school helped her overcome a fear of public speaking. After Axelrod mentioned her DUI, here's what she said:

Yes, yes, thank you for bringing that up. I got a DUI when I was like 21 and I had to go these DUI classes and you go for 6 weeks, it felt like 6 years, but it was a long period of time and you go once a week and every week somebody had to get up and tell their story about their DUI. And I had never publicly spoken before. I was 21 and I had made a terrible mistake, obviously. 

So and I just would always be like, don’t pick me, don’t pick me, don’t pick me, I can’t get up. I don’t know what I’m going to say, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wasn’t prepared. And on the very last class of the very, he picked, it was my turn because everyone else had gone. Because I kept maneuvering different ways to sit in the classroom so that he wouldn’t pick me. 

And I got up and I told my story just off the cuff about what happened and my sister. I had my sister’s ID and she was Mormon now, too, and she was doubly pissed because I shouldn’t be drinking. Meanwhile my Mormon mother had given me her ID, so, and I called the cop a racist even though we were both white. So I had all these little things about the story and people were laughing and I was like, this is awesome. And the whole room was laughing and finally the guy came over and said this isn’t a standup comedy class, get down now. You’re like up here for a little bit too long. Like I would not get off the stage. 

And somebody said that night, they were like you should do standup comedy. And I was like really? That seems awful. And they said, yeah you should. And I did just because they suggested it. I was like okay, maybe I should do standup comedy. At least then I can write my own lines and don’t have to read something else. Something that someone else had written for me. You know? And that’s what I really love. I love to be able to be in charge of my material. 

It's a great testimony for trying the thing you think you cannot do in public speaking--you might, like Handler, discover that you like it, and like creating your own material, two big discoveries for any public speaker.

(Creative Commons licensed photo by Fortune Live Media)

Get involved in more conversations on public speaking with The Eloquent Woman. Follow our Facebook page, read great quotes from eloquent woman on Pinterest, or follow me as @dontgetcaught on Twitter. Learn how to be a better panel moderator with The Eloquent Woman's Guide to Moderating Panels.

The Eloquent Woman's weekly speaker toolkit

I read a lot about women and public speaking, and post my finds first on The Eloquent Woman on Facebook. But I always collect them here for you on Mondays as well. Here's what I've been reading lately:

• The sound of connection: Empathy in your voice, as well as in your facial expression, is an important factor in your public speaking--particularly when you're on the phone.
• Know your biases: Why pretending you don't see race or gender is an obstacle to equality is an important read for men and women.
• Did you miss? This week, the blog shared Why my favorite conference won't let speakers sit down, and Famous Speech Friday shared the lyrical Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction speech of Joan Baez.
• About the quote: Right on, Madeleine Albright. Right. On.

Get involved in more conversations on public speaking with The Eloquent Woman. Follow our Facebook page, read great quotes from eloquent woman on Pinterest, or follow me as @dontgetcaught on Twitter. Learn how to be a better panel moderator with The Eloquent Woman's Guide to Moderating Panels.

Famous Speech Friday: Joan Baez's Rock Hall induction speech

She called her induction in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame "prestigious, and very cool." But Joan Baez, the lyrical folk singer and fighter for social causes, might have been describing herself. She burst onto the folk scene in 1960, with her first three albums going gold, and has been succeeding ever since for nearly 60 years. It was Baez, then the more famous one and called the "barefoot Madonna," who popularized Bob Dylan's music early on.

Her voice--high and clear and strong--figured in this acceptance speech in more ways than one:

My voice is my greatest gift. I can speak freely about the uniqueness of it precisely because it is just that: a gift. 

The second greatest gift was the desire to use it the way I have since I was 16 and became a student of and practitioner of nonviolence, both in my personal life and as a way of fighting for social change. What has given my life deep meaning, and unending pleasure, has been to use my voice in the battle against injustice. It has brought me in touch with my own purpose. It has also brought me in touch with people of every background. With open, generous, fun loving, hardworking people, here in this country and around the world. It has brought me in touch with the wealthy, the ones who are stuck in selfishness, and the ones who give generously of their time and resources to benefit the less fortunate, and light the way for others to do the same.

Baez wound up her speech with a call to action for social justice:

Where empathy is failing and sharing has been usurped by greed and the lust for power, let us double, triple, and quadruple our own efforts to empathize and to give of our resources and our selves. Let us together repeal and replace brutality, and make compassion a priority. Together let us build a great bridge, a beautiful bridge to once again welcome the tired and the poor, and we will pay for that bridge with our commitment. We the people must speak truth to power, and be ready to make sacrifices. We the people are the only one who can create change. I am ready. I hope you are, too. I want my granddaughter to know that I fought against an evil tide, and had the masses by my side.

What can you learn from this famous speech?

• Play to the entire audience: Baez relates how her own granddaughter didn't know how famous her grandmother was--until she took her backstage at a Taylor Swift concert. She notes she's sharing that story because many younger viewers watching might have the same problem, and does it without a shred of shame or hesitation. It adds a funny, self-deprecating-but-not-really note.
• Craft a moving call to action: Her call to social justice echoes the poem to immigrants on the Statue of Liberty, "give me your tired, your poor," and evokes a bridge instead of the wall between the U.S. and Mexico threatened by the current U.S. president. And in the tradition of the best calls to action, she includes herself, not exhorting the crowd to do anything she would not do.
• A little alliteration never hurts: "A special thank you to my manager, Mark Spector, for having kept my career visible, viable, and vibrant," added an almost musical touch to the opening. When you can use it well, alliteration lands softly on the ears of the audience; it sounds smooth and less awkward than it might when you're writing it. And she didn't have to stretch to achieve it; these words are appropriate to the task.

In the picture above, Baez is with Jackson Browne. Her rendition of his song "Fountain of Sorrow" is a favorite, well worth a listen.

Read the full text here and watch the video here or below.

Get involved in more conversations on public speaking with The Eloquent Woman. Follow our Facebook page, read great quotes from eloquent woman on Pinterest, or follow me as @dontgetcaught on Twitter. Learn how to be a better panel moderator with The Eloquent Woman's Guide to Moderating Panels.